Stand Perfectly Still And Don't Breathe
by Jennifer James
Summary: Anita grapples with every woman's worst nightmare


_Disclaimer: Not making any money here folks; L&O is the property of Wolf Productions._

_A/N-- Written for Cirocco's Thursday100Plus "Test" Challenge on LiveJournal.___

Anita held the printout for nearly five minutes before it occurred to her that she'd been staring at it and hadn't read one word.  To say that her concentration was shot was an understatement.  Things had been so hazy over the past few days.  She almost felt as if she were dragging around her own personal fog machine.  

She was easily distracted.  Simple rote tasks were suddenly overwhelming.  She was afraid to drive lest she cause an accident.  Her husband circumvented what could've been a major tragedy when he walked into the kitchen for a drink and doused a towel she'd mislaid on top of the stove.  While running a bath one night she'd let the tub overfill and flooded the bathroom floor.  

She'd been going through the motions since that Friday night.  Her brain and body were alienated from one another, refusing to work together.  There'd been several times that she found herself holding her breath, as if she'd simply forgotten to breathe.

_Anita felt Don's arms encircle her waist as she stood at the sink rinsing dishes. She smiled when she felt his breath tickle her neck as he leaned close to whisper, "Rick just called."_

_"Oh, yeah?__ Where is my baby?"_

_Don laughed softly and kissed the back of her head.  She liked that, liked having him close and feeling his arms around her. It made her feel safe; like nothing bad could happen as long as there were moments like this.  Nothing could touch them is this space.  Nothing could change._

_"Your chick is safe and sound, Mama Hen." Don assured and, anticipating her next question, cut her off before she could ask it.  "I talked to Reginald's mom and everything's fine.  They'll drop Rick off early tomorrow afternoon."_

_Anita nodded, satisfied with his answer.  She turned off the faucet and grabbed a dish towel to dry her hands.  Don nuzzled the back of her neck and began to hum, slowly swaying back and forth.  They'd done that a lot when they first married, having been unable to afford a stereo or even a decent radio.  Don would pick a song and hum it softly while they danced._

_She draped the damp towel over the dishes in the drain board and turned around, her arms encircling his neck. "What're we dancing to?"_

_"Bill Withers."  Don told her and hummed louder._

_"Hmmm, good choice."__  She commented as she stroked the back of his neck. "Which song?"_

_"I Want to Spend the Night."_

_"Oooh… very good choice."__  Anita rested her forehead against her husband's chin and he kissed it.  She looked up at him, smiling innocently.  "Now what in the world are we gonna do with ourselves for the rest of the evening?"_

_Don twirled her around the room.  "Oh, I have a few ideas."_

_"I'll just bet you do."_

"Lieu?"

Anita looked up to find Ed leaning against her door frame.  She slipped her glasses on and affected a composure that she didn't feel.  "Hey, Green.  What's going on?"

"Need a lunch partner?"

Lunch? She flipped her wrist over and looked at her watch.  12:48 p.m...  Sweet Jesus… where had the morning gone?  It seemed like she'd just sat down twenty minutes ago.

Ed noticed how disconcerted she was by his question.  "You okay?"

Anita glanced at him briefly before looking at the report again. "Yeah." She quickly responded.  Perhaps a little too quickly from the skeptical way he looked at her.  "Where's your regular lunch date?"

"He had court this morning."

She finally managed to get through the report and signed off on it.  She slid it into an interoffice envelope and tossed it on top of the other items in her 'Out' box.  All the while she could feel him watching her, intently.

"C'mon."  He commanded, letting her know it was no longer a request.  "I'm buying you lunch."

Anita sighed, looking at the pile of work she had yet to sort through.  Normally she would've been halfway through a stack that size by lunch time.

Ed seemed to read her mind.  His voice was soft, but insistent. "It'll be here when you get back.  C'mon." 

"I guess I could use a break."  She admitted, pushing away from her desk. 

****

Once they were in his car, Ed made a valiant attempt to engage her in small talk.  Anita tried to keep up her end of the conversation, but her mind kept drifting back to that night.  The night everything had changed.

_Don unbuttoned Anita's blouse and pushed it off her shoulders.  She couldn't help giggling when she felt him fumbling with the clasp on her bra._

_"You're a little rusty, Van Buren." She teased and put her hands over his, skillfully guiding them in unfastening the row of hook and eye fasteners._

_It seemed like an eternity since they'd not had to be concerned with locking the bedroom door or making sure they didn't get too loud.  There'd been major changes in the Van Buren household over the past six months. _

_Though he attended college locally, their oldest son Stefan decided he couldn't have the entire freshman experience without living in the dorm.  And Rick, fast approaching his fifteenth birthday, was spending more and more time away from the apartment with his friends and other extracurricular activities.  It was a pleasure to have the place completely to themselves and on those rare occasions when they both weren't bone tired from work, they took full advantage of it._

_Having made short work of removing the rest of their clothing, Anita lay on the bed and pulled her husband to her.  He covered her mouth with his and ran his hand up the side of her leg and thigh until it reached her breast._

_She savored his touch, basking in his complete knowledge of what made her body sing. She was so caught up in the moment that it took her several seconds to realize he'd stopped his exploration.  She could sense him hesitating as he hovered over her and opened her eyes._

_"What?" She asked, perplexed by the odd look on Don's face. "Why'd you stop?"_

_"'Nita..." He seemed unsure of what to say.  "Baby, I…"_

_He was beginning to scare her.  "What is it?"_

_"I feel something here."_

_Anita sighed and laughed with relief.  "Umm, yeah honey.  It's called a breast. I know it's been a while, but surely it hasn't been that long."_

_Don didn't laugh.  "No, Anita." He rolled off of her and sat up.  "I mean…  I think I feel something in your breast."_

Ed watched quietly as Anita picked at her food.  He'd finished his entire salad and was half way through his entrée.  She'd taken maybe three bites of her lunch and spent the rest of the time rearranging it on the plate.

"Anita?"

She looked at him.  He hadn't called her 'Lieu' like he normally did.  She knew from his tone that she wasn't doing a very good job of concealing the fact that something was going on.

Ed put his fork down.  "Tell me."

Anita shook her head.  "I don't… I really don't think that's a good idea."  Her voice cracked a bit.  "It's personal.  Extremely personal."

"I gathered that."  He reached across the table, laying his hand on hers, and it took everything in her to keep it together.  "This isn't Detective Green talking; it's Ed, your friend.  And it's plain as day that everything ain't okay.  Talk to me."

Anita swallowed, her eyes brimming with tears.  "I had to go in for some tests on Monday.  There's a…. there's a lump in my breast."

Ed continued to hold her hand as silent tears rolled down her face.  He didn't offer the obligatory 'Everything's gonna be okay' speech, for which she would be eternally grateful.  He just sat there, being a dear and wonderful friend, and let her cry.  When the tears subsided he handed her a handful of paper napkins.  She dabbed at her face and eyes until she thought she looked presentable.

"I must look like hell."

Ed shrugged and confided, "You've looked better."

His candor caught Anita off guard and she burst out laughing.  She threw some of the balled up napkins at him.  "Thanks a lot."

Ed laughed with her and tossed the napkins on his plate.  "When will you know something?" 

She sighed.  "My doctor thought she might have the results yesterday, but said she would definitely know something by today."

"Three days."  Ed exhaled in a long, slow whistle.  "That's a long time to ask somebody to wait to find out whether or not their life is about to change."

"You have no idea."

_Anita sat on the examination table with her feet dangling several inches from the floor.  She felt as if she were drifting in and out of consciousness as she listened to her doctor speak._

_"Palpable breast mass… approximately three to four centimeters in size… four fifths of all breast lumps are not cancer… many are simply benign fibrocystic changes… not possible to make a definite diagnosis with a clinical exam alone… down to radiology for a mammogram… unable to rule out the necessity of a biopsy…"_

_Anita's head popped up upon hearing the last bit of information.  Dr. Andrews, an extremely personable and compassionate black woman in her early forties, sensed her trepidation.  She patted Anita's arm and spoke to her softly.  Her voice was soothing._

_"It's a minor procedure, Anita.  The medical term is fine needle aspiration.  We draw cells out of the lump with a small needle."_

_"Can Donnie be there?"_

_"Right up until you go in and the very minute we bring you out."_

_Anita shook her head and admitted, "I don't know how I missed it.  I do my self exams."_

_"Nobody's perfect, Anita."  Dr. Andrews pulled up a stool and sat in front of her.  "Sometimes we get rushed and we don't do them thoroughly.  And sometimes, we just plain forget.  Don't beat yourself up over this.  Just be thankful that you have such an observant husband."_

_Anita smiled faintly.  She was thankful._

_"As women, the most important thing for us to remember is that in order to take care of others, we have to take care of ourselves first.  We're so busy looking after everybody else and everything else that we end up putting ourselves and our well being last.  We can't afford to do that anymore."_

"You're sure you don't want me to wait?" Ed asked for the tenth time.  "Or at least let me call Don."

The doctor's office called just as they were leaving the restaurant to say that her results were in.  Ed had driven her over and was now refusing to leave.

"I'll call him myself if I need him." She promised, but Ed seemed unconvinced.  "Look, Ed, I'm not trying to be a super hero, okay?  This is just something I feel like I need to do by myself."

Ed resigned himself to the fact that he wasn't going to change her mind and threw up is hands in defeat.  Anita chuckled and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"Thanks."

"For what?  Being whipped?" He cracked.

She put her hand over his and squeezed it.  "For being a good friend."

"If you need me…" Ed waved his finger at her. "For anything…"   

Anita crossed her heart.  "I promise."

_****_

She felt her heart slamming against her ribcage as she waited for Dr. Andrews to come in.  A multitude of memories washed over her as she sat there.  She laughed as she remembered standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom of her parent's home stuffing her first bra with toilet paper.  She got misty eyed recalling the first time she nursed Stefan in the hospital the day he was born.  She shuddered as she relived that horrible night Don felt the lump.  It had started out as such a wonderful evening.  She marveled at how life could change with every breath you took.

"Hi Anita."  Dr. Andrews brought her back as she entered the room.  "I'm so sorry we didn't have the results for you yesterday."

Anita felt sweat pouring from every orifice of her body.  "Well?"

Dr. Andrews sat down in front of her and touched her leg.  "It's not cancer."

Anita let out a cry of relief and was almost immediately consumed by a fit of giggling.  The giggles soon turned to tears and before long she was sobbing, her body shaking.  Dr. Andrews got up and put her arm around Anita's shoulder.

"I'm sorry."  She apologized and Dr. Andrews shushed her.

"Are you kidding?  If it was me they'd probably have to build an ark." She joked.  "Or, at the very least, bring an industrial strength mop."

Anita laughed through her tears and thought, _I don't have cancer._  She couldn't help repeating it over and over to herself.  _I don't have cancer._  Dr. Andrews gave her a box of tissue and sat back down to finish explaining the test results.

"Anita what we found in your breast is called a fibroadenoma.  It's an abnormal growth of glandular and fibrous tissue."

"But it's not cancer?"

"No, it's not cancer."  Dr. Andrews reiterated.  "They're most common in women between the ages of fifteen and thirty, but they're also found in pre-menopausal women and post menopausal women taking estrogen.  They're also more common in black women."

Anita nodded, letting everything sink in.  "Where do we go from here?"

"Well, generally lumps found in younger women aren't removed.  We encourage monitoring them through self examination, yearly check ups and mammograms.  But for older women we recommend surgery."

"Surgery?" 

"It's performed on an outpatient basis and the fibroadenoma is removed by lumpectomy under a local or general anesthesia."

"And that's it?"

"That's it."

They sat quietly for a moment and Anita felt herself tearing up again.  "I feel like I'm waking up from a bad dream."

"That's perfectly natural." Dr. Andrews assured her.  "You've been through a lot these past few days, but you've come through with flying colors."

"Yeah, I guess I have."  Anita chuckled.  "When I had the mammogram the technician told me to try and hold my breath for five seconds and stand perfectly still." She looked down at her lap, smoothing out the tissues crushed in her hand.  "To be honest, I think I've been holding it since the night Donnie said he felt something in my breast."  

"And now?"

"Now?" Anita paused, smiling as she dabbed away fresh tears. She didn't try to hold them back because they were different; these were tears of joy. 

"Now I feel like I can breathe again."  


End file.
